when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
