Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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