His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
