i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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