im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
