Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
