Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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