Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
