Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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