while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
