my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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