true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
