Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
