we made out on top of his cat.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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