you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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