I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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