I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
