I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
