apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
