i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
