i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
