My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
