Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
