her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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