he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize