Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
