I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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