Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
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