he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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