I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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