shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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