hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Randomize
