i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
