Need sex. Gaining weight.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
