I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
