Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
