you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
