I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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