do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
