Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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