apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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