Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
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