there's paper in my vomit.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
