If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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