after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
