So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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