I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
