im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
