Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you traded sex for a burrito?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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