my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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