genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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