Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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