Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
